Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The new soft voice

I have said it before, that the pain and struggle in labour prepares you for motherhood. I want to say it again.
This birth was very different. No neighbours or passersby would have heard me calling for help! No, I was focussed and at peace. I did not scream once. I was breathing in and breathing out. Seeing myself floating in cool waters like a sea turtle, making no ripples. My husband helped, my midwife helped, the birth pool helped, but I did it. I sometimes felt like I was between two big waves, just survived the one and unsure whether I will survive the next. But I had no choice. It was then that I heard it. A soft voice, my own, saying something that it never had before: you can do this. I almost laughed at the voice, wanting to tell it that I do not respond well to that kind of encouragement and belief in my own abilities, never have, but I was too tired and let it talk. 
Well I did do it, and I did it well. And now when it is rough with three kids under 5 and I want to burst into tears and self pity like I always do, I hear a familiar new voice. It says, today is a bad day, but tomorrow will be different, and you can do this. And now I believe it.

Waiting for Nancy

I find it interesting how we cannot wait for our babies. When we know beforehand that we are in for this thing for 40weeks, why do we always expect them to come sooner? I have watched all my friends go through it, never expecting to find myself in the same place. And still, here I am, not even 40weeks, and so sad that she has not arrived yet. Why is this? What can we do to prevent it? I have tried so hard from the beginning to not place my hope on the Expected Due Date, and here I am expecting her not even ON the date, but BEFORE. Everyday I wait and every morning I am sad to start a new day without her. And can I just mention that she is nr 3, which means there are plenty of other little people keeping me busy which should create hesitation on my part to rush her!
Recently there has been so much research to prove the difference between just 38 and 39 weeks, that planned ceasers are now not done before 39weeks. That should mean that the difference between 39 and 40 is also huge.
I have the best ideas and reasons in the world why it would suit me if she should come on this date or that. Problem is, and this was my lesson once again, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. How can I decide when a human being should be born? Who am i to think i know the number of her days? No no, I had to sit back again and say your will be done, not mine. Nancy you come when you’re ready. I will be waiting.